The ceiling spins,
The walls twist and melt,
The floor swallows me whole,
A gasp,
A tear,
A scream,
Blood oozes through my veins,
Sweat trickles upon my brow,
Legs lurch holding me erect,
A cry,
A pant,
A swallow,
I blink in the glow of the moonlight,
I shudder in reaction to my reality,
Moments of reason, moments of exasperation.
A Day In My Life: My Most Common Delusions
Having delusions is one of the most feared and fear mongered symptoms of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder. Some people believe God is speaking to them directly or through a TV or through the radio. Some people believe they have supernatural powers or is a chosen one to lead a religious or secular special mission. There is an incredible variety in the delusions which may afflict people. When properly medicated many people have these delusions completely disappear and then there are some that don’t.
I am one of those that always has my delusions in varying degree no matter what medication cocktail I have tried. Thankfully when medicated I know they are delusions and not part of reality, although everything around me, my feelings, my thoughts tell me they are true. Sometimes it’s a vicious fight between the part of me grounded in reality and the part that isn’t. The level of stress and anxiety I am going through largely determines which part of me will win the fight.
Thankfully I rarely have delusions like those I previously referenced. My delusions can be summed up as thought broadcasting and thought insertion which drives my paranoia. Thought broadcasting is when I believe that other people can hear or read my thoughts. Whereas thought insertion is when I have thoughts that feel foreign to me and seem as if they have been inserted by an outside person. I rarely have both at the same time, but when I do it is crippling. Having either of these delusions can lead me to isolating from society, my support structure, my friends and family, and even the people I believe are controlling or spying on my thoughts. It’s not often, but the more I am unable to separate reality from what I’m feeling the more paranoid I become.
As much as my medication cocktail helps me survive everyday life and be a functioning member of society it never fully eradicates either my delusions or auditory hallucinations. I find myself reality testing when I’m dealing with thought broadcasting by thinking nod your head if you can read my thoughts. Of course nobody ever does which only feeds my paranoia that they don’t want me to know. When my meds aren’t working I’ve narrowly escaped going inpatient in a mental hospital on multiple occasions. I have had several partial hospitalizations though where I spend my days at the hospital, but am allowed to sleep at home.
When you are gone
I shudder in the corner of my existence
They point at me
I stand strong to the accusations
Then they laugh
I wilt into the corner
Through the walls and through the floors
Alone
Alone without them
Without you.
Crisscrossing
The crisscrossing clash of tiny dishes fall about my feet
As an echo bounces off the walls of my own sweating intolerance
My palms have become cold
While the heat of my frustrations boils to the surface
I repress the tears rolling down my face
Pulling them back inside me if I only had the patience
The slam of the door silences your exit
And I slouch into the floorboards alone
Alone at last.
Common Types of Delusions
Ideas of reference
A person may believe he/she is receiving special messages from the TV, radio, or music. Alternatively, he/she may believe that colors, words, or other things in the environment have special meaning just for he/her.
Paranoia
A person may believe that friends, family, government agencies, or others are trying to bother him/her or harm him/her even when it is not true.
Thought broadcasting
A person may believe that other people can hear or read his/her thoughts.
Thought insertion
A person may have thoughts that feel foreign to him/her and seem as if they have been inserted by an outside force or person.
Grandiose/religious delusions
A person may develop a belief that he/she has a supernatural power, is famous, or that he/she is the messiah or a chosen person with a special mission.
This is an excellent short video exploring what psychosis is like and the different stages. I highly recommend watching it if you have a psychotic disorder such as Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder or if you have a friend, family member or in a relationship with someone susceptible. Sometimes or often times you might recognize the signs before the person slipping into psychosis. Catching it early may prevent hospitalization being needed.
Self-imprisoned into this cell of orchestrated ignorance,
I eternally stare into the mirror upon the wall,
At the chance to see a reflection,
Of an isolated world from our preconceived notions.
All that forms the images before my eyes,
Is the deep, dark, backward memories of my life,
Carrying me back to the present moment,
Enabling me to analyze what I have evolved into.
My back braced cold against the table,
They place the ether mask across my face,
The fog carries itself into the corners of my mind,
Allowing me to be propelled among the world.
I follow the dark sky, by the slight moonlight,
Placing each foot in the trail I’ve created,
Careful not to touch too much emotion,
Careful not to experience too much.
Let us go past the deserted streets,
Fading memories long since fallen into dust,
Let us cross the fields of distant thoughts,
Releasing the manacles of time to manipulation.
Into our world’s forgotten souls I search,
Waiting cautiously for each moment of experience,
Tearing off the blindfolds of our innocence,
Tearing down the walls of our ignorance.
Alone in a crowded Harvard Square he once again is made flesh,
The fractures of my mind allowing this assault,
Frozen, trembling, submissive I stare into oblivion,
I choke, swallowing, sweating, gasping for breath,
Humanity rushes past me, around me, and over me in a mob,
No longer I stand in the present, but awoken into my nightmare,
Washed away twenty-three years past eroding my reality,
Grasping at the shreds of my sanity, it slips through my fingers,
The edge of the knife relentless, my focus, my reality,
“Throw yourself into it,” the voice screams in my mind,
The world before me melts, swirls and rises back up to greet me.
Time lapses, I rush into the oncoming traffic,
Clamoring for certainty I dive into the coffee bar,
Frantic my eyes dart back from the door to my hands,
Unable to breathe freely, all eyes burrow into me,
These unnamed souls know my every weakness, every secret,
Surrounded by strangers, overwhelmed by my passions,
The moments blur into minutes crawling ever forward,
My body violently tremors mixing with time and space,
I want to scream for it all to stop, for it all to end permanently,
Awash in the confusion of my eternal nightmares made flesh,
“Stop!” I sink into the unending cycles of my paranoia and psychosis.
Mark Bere Peterson’s Hauntings, Urban Legends, Paganism & Witchcraft 