Tulips – Sylvia Plath

One of my favorite poems by those who died too young:

Sylvia Plath died in London, England, on this day in 1963 (Suicide, aged 30)

Tulips – Sylvia Plath (18 March 1961)

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.

“Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in.

I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly

As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.

I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.

I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses

And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.


They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff

Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.

Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.

The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,

They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,

Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,

So it is impossible to tell how many there are.


My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water

Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.

They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep.

Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage———

My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,

“My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;

Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.


I have let things slip, a thirty-year-old cargo boat

Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.

They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.

Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley

I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books

Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.

I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.


I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free———

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.


The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.

Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe

Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.

Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.

They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down,

Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their color,

A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.


Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.

The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me

Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,

And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow

Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,

And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself.

The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.


Before they came the air was calm enough,

Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.

Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.

Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river

Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.

They concentrate my attention, that was happy

Playing and resting without committing itself.


The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.

The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;

They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,

And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes

Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.

The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,

And comes from a country far away as health.

List of deaths in the Illiad

List of deaths in the Illiad:
Antilochus (Greek) kills Echepolus (Trojan) (spear in the head) (4.529)
Agenor (Trojan) kills Elephenor (Greek) (spear in the side) (4.543)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Simoeisius (Trojan) (speared in the nipple) (4.549)
Antiphus (Trojan) kills Leucus (Greek) (speared in the groin) (4.569)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Democoön (Trojan) (spear through the head) (4.579)
Peirous (Trojan) kills Diores (Greek) (hit with a rock, then speared in the gut) (4.598)
Thoas (Greek) kills Peirous (Trojan) (spear in the chest, sword in the gut) (4.608)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Phegeus (Trojan) (spear in the chest) (5.19)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Odius (Trojan) (spear in the back) (5.42)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Phaestus (spear in the shoulder) (5.48)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Scamandrius (spear in the back) (5.54)
Meriones (Greek) kills Phereclus (Trojan) (spear in the buttock) (5.66)
Meges (Greek) kills Pedaeus (Greek) (spear in the neck) (5.78)
Eurypylus (Greek) kills Hypsenor (Trojan) (arm cut off) (5.86)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Astynous (Trojan) (spear in the chest) (5.164)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Hypeiron (Trojan) (sword in the collar bone) (5.165)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Abas (Trojan) (5.170)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Polyidus (Trojan) (5.170)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Xanthus (Trojan) (5.174)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Thoon (Trojan) (5.174)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Echemmon (Trojan) (5.182)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Chromius (Trojan) (5.182)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Pandarus (Trojan) (spear in the nose) (5.346)
Diomedes (Greek) wounds Aeneas (Trojan) with a rock (5.359)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Deicoon (Trojan), spear in the stomach (5.630)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Crethon (Greek)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Orsilochus (Greek)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Phlaemenes (Trojan), spear in the collar bone (5.675)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Mydon (Trojan), sword in the head, stomped by his horses (5.680)
Hector (Trojan) kills Menesthes (Greek) (5.714)
Hector (Trojan) kills Anchialus (Greek) (5.714)
Ajax son of Telamon kills Amphion (Trojan), spear in the gut (5.717)
Sarpedon (Trojan) kills Tlepolemus (Greek), spear in the neck (5.764)
Tlepolemus (Greek) wounds Sarpedon (Trojan) spear in the thigh (5.764)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Cocranus (Trojan) (5.783)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Alastor (Trojan) (5.783)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Chromius (Trojan) (5.783)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Alcandrus (Trojan) (5.784)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Halius (Trojan) (5.784)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Noemon (Trojan) (5.784)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Prytanis (Trojan) (5.784)
Hector (Trojan) kills Teuthras (Greek) (5.811)
Hector (Trojan) kills Orestes (Greek) (5.811)
Hector (Trojan) kills Trechus (Greek) (5.812)
Hector (Trojan) kills Oenomaus (Greek) (5.812)
Hector (Trojan) kills Helenus (Greek) (5.813)
Hector (Trojan) kills Oresbius (Greek) (5.813)
Ares kills Periphas (Greek) (5.970)
Diomedes wounds Ares in the gut (5.980)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Acamas (Trojan), spear in the head (6.9)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Axylus (Trojan) (6.14)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Calesius (Trojan) (6.20)
Euryalus (Greek) kills Dresus (Trojan) (6.23)
Euryalus (Greek) kills Opheltius (Trojan) (6.23)
Euryalus (Greek) kills Aesepus (Trojan) (6.24)
Euryalus (Greek) kills Pedasus (Trojan) (6.24)
Polypoetes (Greek) kills Astyalus (Trojan) (6.33)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Pidytes (Trojan), with his spear (6.34)
Teucer (Greek) kills Aretaon (Trojan) (6.35)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Ableros (Trojan), with his spear (6.35)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Elatus (Trojan) (6.38)
Leitus (Greek) kills Phylacus (Trojan) (6.41)
Eurypylus (Greek) kills Melanthus (6.42)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Adrestus (Trojan), spear in the side (6.76)
Paris (Trojan) kills Menesthius (Greek) (7.8)
Hector (Trojan) kills Eioneus (Greek), spear in the neck (7.11)
Glaucus (Trojan) kills Iphinous (Greek), spear in the shoulder (7.13)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Eniopeus (Trojan), spear in the chest (8.138)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Agelaos (Trojan), spear in the back (8.300)
Teucer (Greek) kills Orsilochos (Trojan), with an arrow (8.321)
Teucer (Greek) kills Ormenus (Trojan), with an arrow (8.321)
Teucer (Greek) kills Ophelestes (Trojan), with an arrow (8.321)
Teucer (Greek) kills Daitor (Trojan), with an arrow (8.322)
Teucer (Greek) kills Chromius (Trojan), with an arrow (8.322)
Teucer (Greek) kills Lycophontes (Trojan), with an arrrow (8.322)
Teucer (Greek) kills Amopaon (Trojan), with an arrow (8.323)
Teucer (Greek) kills Melanippus (Trojan), with an arrow (8.323)
Teucer (Greek) kills Gorgythion (Trojan), with an arrow (8.353)
Teucer (Greek) kills Archeptolemos (Trojan), with an arrow (8.363)
Hector (Trojan) wounds Teucer (Greek), with a rock (8.380)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Dolon (Trojan), sword across the neck (10.546)
Diomedes (Greek) kills twelve sleeping Thracian soldiers (10.579) (includes Rhesus)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Bienor (Trojan) (11.99)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Oileus (Trojan), spear in the head, (11.103)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Isus (Trojan), spear in the chest (11.109)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Antiphus (Trojan), sword in the head (11.120)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Peisander (Trojan), spear in the chest (11.160)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Hippolochus (Trojan), sword cuts off his head (11.165)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Iphidamas T), sword in the neck (11.270)
Coön (Trojan) wounds Agamemnon (Greek), spear in the arm (11.288)
Agamemnon (Greek) kills Coön (Trojan), spear in the side (11.295)
Hector (Trojan) kills Asaeus (Greek) (11.341)
Hector (Trojan) kills Autonous (Greek) (11.341)
Hector (Trojan) kills Opites (Greek) (11.341)
Hector (Trojan) kills Dolops (Greek) (11.342)
Hector (Trojan) kills Opheltius (Greek) (11.324)
Hector (Trojan) kills Agelaus (Greek) (11.325)
Hector (Trojan) kills Aesymnus (Greek) (11.325)
Hector (Trojan) kills Orus (Greek) (11.343)
Hector (Trojan) kills Hipponous (Greek) (11.325)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Thymbraeus (Trojan), spear in the chest (11.364)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Molion (Trojan) (11.366)
Diomedes (Greek) kills two sons of Merops (Trojan) (11.375)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Hippodamas (Trojan) (11.381)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Hypeirochus (Trojan) (11.381)
Diomedes (Greek) kills Agastrophus (Trojan), spear in the hip (11.384)
Paris (Trojan) wounds Diomedes (Greek), arrow in the foot (11.430)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Deïopites (Trojan) (11.479)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Thoön (Trojan) (11.481)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Ennomus (Greek) (11.481)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Chersidamas (Trojan), spear in the groin (11.481)
Odyssues (Greek) kills Charops (Trojan) (11.485)
Odysseus (Greek) kills Socus (Trojan), spear in the back (11.506)
Socus (Trojan) wounds Odysseus (Greek), spear in the ribs (11.493)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Doryclus (Trojan) (11.552)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Pandocus (Trojan) (11.553)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Lysander (Trojan) (11.554)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Pyrasus (Trojan) (11.554)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Pylantes (Trojan) (11.554)
Eurypylus (Greek) kills Apisaon (Trojan), spear in the liver (11.650)
Polypoetes (Greek) kills Damasus (Trojan), spear through the cheek (12.190);
Polypoetes (Greek) kills Pylon (Trojan) (12.194)
Polypoetes (Greek) kills Ormenus (Trojan) (12.194)
Leonteus (Greek) kills Hippomachus, spear in the stomach (12.196)
Leonteus (Greek) kills Antiphates (Trojan), struck with a sword (12.198)
Leonteus (Greek) kills Menon (Trojan) (12.201)
Leonteus (Greek) kills Iamenus (Trojan) (12.201)
Leonteus (Greek) kills Orestes (Trojan) (12.201)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Epicles (Trojan), rock in the skull (12.416)
Teucer (Greek) wounds Glaucus (Trojan), arrow in the arm (12.425)
Sarpedon (Trojan) kills Alcmaon (Greek), spear in the body (12.434)
Teucer (Greek) kills Imbrius (Trojan), spear in the ear (13.198)
Hector (Trojan) kills Amphimachus (Greek), spear in the chest (13.227)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Othryoneus (Trojan), spear in the gut, (13.439 ff)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Asius (Trojan), spear in the neck (13.472)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Asius’ charioteer, spear in the gut (13.482)
Deïphobus (Trojan) kills Hypsenor (Greek), spear in the liver (13.488) (wounded?)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Alcathous (Trojan), spear in the chest (13.514 ff)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Oenomaus (Trojan), spear in the stomach (13.608)
Deïphobus (Trojan) kills Ascalaphus (Greek), spear in the shoulder (13.621)
Meriones (Greek) wounds Deïphobus (Trojan) spear in the arm (13.634)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Aphareus (Greek), spear in the throat (13.647)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Thoön (Greek), spear in the back) (13.652).
Meriones (Greek) kills Adamas (Trojan), spear in the testicles (13.677).
Helenus (Trojan) kills Deïpyrus (Greek), sword on the head (13.687)
Menelaus (Greek) wounds Helenus (Trojan), spear in the hand (13.705)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Peisander (Trojan), sword in the head (13.731)
Meriones (Greek) kills Harpalion (Trojan), arrow in the buttock (13.776)
Paris (Trojan) kills Euchenor (Greek), arrow in the jaw (13.800)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) hits Hector (Trojan) with a rock (14.477)
Ajax son of Oileus (Greek) kills Satnius (Trojan), spear in the side (14.517)
Polydamas (Trojan) kills Prothoënor (Greek), spear in the shoulder (14.525)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Archelochus, spear in the neck (14.540)
Acamas (Trojan) kills Promachus (Greek), spear (14.555)
Peneleus (Greek) kills Ilioneus (Trojan), spear in the eye (14.570)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Hyrtius (14.597)
Meriones (Greek) kills Morys (14.601)
Meriones (Greek) kills Hippotion (14.601)
Teucer (Greek) kills Prothoön (Trojan) (14.602)
Teucer (Greek) kills Periphetes (Trojan) (14.602)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Hyperenor (Trojan), spear in the side (14.603)
Phalces (Trojan) killed (death not mentioned but armor stripped) (14.600)
Mermerus (Trojan) killed (death not mentioned but armor stripped) (14.600)
Hector (Trojan) kills Stichius (Greek) (15.389)
Hector (Trojan) kills Aresilaus (Greek) (15.389)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Medon (Greek) (15.392)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Iasus (Greek) (15.392)
Polydamas (Trojan) kills Mecistus (Greek) (15.399)
Polites (Trojan) kills Echius (Greek) (15.400)
Agenor (Trojan) kills Clonius (15.401)
Paris (Trojan) kills Deïochus (Greek), spear through the back (15.402)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Caletor (Trojan), spear in the chest (15.491)
Hector (Trojan) kills Lycophron (Greek) spear in the head (15.503)
Teucer (Greek) kills Cleitus (Greek), arrow in the back of the neck (15.521)
Hector (Trojan) kills Schedius (Greek) (15.607)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Laodamas (Trojan) (15.608)
Polydamas (Trojan) kills Otus (Greek) (15.610)
Meges (Greek) kills Croesmus (Trojan), spear in the chest (15.616)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Dolops (Trojan), speared in the back (15.636)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Melanippus (Trojan), spear in the chest (15.675)
Hector (Trojan) kills Periphetes (Greek), spear in the chest (15.744)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Pyraechmes (Trojan), spear in the shoulder (16.339)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Areilycus (Trojan), spear in the thigh (16.361)
Menelaus (Greek) kills Thoas (Trojan), spear in the chest (16.365)
Meges (Greek) kills Amphiclus (Trojan), spear in the leg (16.367)
Antilochus (Greek) kills Atymnius (Trojan), spear in the side (16.372)
Thrasymedes (Greek) kills Maris (Trojan), spear in the shoulder (16.377)
Ajax son of Oileus (Greek) kills Cleobulus (Trojan), sword in the neck (16.386)
Peneleus (Greek) kills Lyco (Greek), sword in the neck (16.395)
Meriones (Greek) kills Acamas (Trojan), spear in the shoulder (16.399)
Idomeneus (Greek) kills Erymas (Trojan), spear in the mouth (16.403)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Pronous (Trojan), spear in the chest (16.464)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Thestor (Trojan), spear in the head (16.477)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Erylaus (Trojan), rock on the head (16.479)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Erymas (Trojan) (16.484)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Amphoterus (Trojan) (16.484)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Epaltes (Trojan) (16.484)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Tlepolemus (Trojan) (16.485)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Echius (Trojan) (16.485)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Pyris (Trojan) (16.486)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Ipheus (Trojan) (16.486)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Euippus (Trojan) (16.486)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Polymelus (Trojan) (16.486)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Thrasymedes (Trojan), spear in the gut (16.542)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Sarpedon (Trojan), spear in the chest (16.559)
Hector (Trojan) kills Epeigeus (Greek), rock on the head (16.666)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Sthenelaus (Trojan), rock on the head (16.682)
Glaucus (Trojan) kills Bathycles (Greek), spear in the chest (16.691)
Meriones (Greek) kills Laogonus (Trojan), spear in the jaw (16.702)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Adrestus (Trojan) (16.808)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Autonous (Trojan) (16.809)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Echeclus (Trojan) (16.809)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Perimus (Trojan) (16.809)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Epistor (Trojan) (16.810)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Melanippus (Trojan) (16.810)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Elasus (Trojan) (16.811)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Mulius (Trojan) (16.811)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Pylantes (Trojan) (16.811)
Patroclus (Greek) kills Cebriones (Trojan), rock in the head (16.859)
Hector (Trojan) kills Patroclus (Greek) (16.993)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Hippothous (Trojan), spear in the head (17.377)
Hector (Trojan) kills Scedius (Greek), spear in the collar (17.393)
Ajax son of Telamon (Greek) kills Phorcys (Trojan), spear in the gut (17.399)
Aeneas (Trojan) kills Leocritus (Greek), (17.439);
Lycomedes (Greek) kills Apisaon (Trojan) (17.443)
Automedon (Greek) kills Aretus (Trojan), spear in the gut (17.636)
Menelaus (Trojan) kills Podes (Trojan), spear in the stomach (17.704)
Hector (Trojan) kills Coeranus (Greek), spear in the head (17.744)
Achilles (Greek) kills Iphition (Trojan), spear in the head (20.463)
Achilles (Greek) kills Demoleon (Trojan), spear in the head (20.476)
Achilles (Greek) kills Hippodamas (Trojan), spear in the back (20.480)
Achilles (Greek) kills Polydorus (Trojan), spear in the back (20.488)
Achilles (Greek) kills Dryops (Trojan), spear in the knee, sword thrust (20.546)
Achilles (Greek) kills Demouchos (Trojan) spear thrust (20.548).
Achilles (Greek) kills Laogonus (Trojan), spear thrust (20.551)
Achilles (Greek) kills Dardanus (Trojan), sword thrust (20.551)
Achilles (Greek) kills Tros (Trojan), sword in the liver (20.555)
Achilles (Greek) kills Mulius (Trojan), spear in the head (20.567)
Achilles (Greek) kills Echeclus (Trojan), sword on the head (20.569)
Achilles (Greek) kills Deucalion (Trojan), sword in the neck (20.573)
Achilles (Greek) kills Rhigmus (Trojan), spear in the gut (20.581)
Achilles (Greek) kills Areithous (Trojan), spear in the back (20.586)
Achilles (Greek) kills Lycaon (Trojan), sword in the neck (21.138)
Achilles (Greek) kills Asteropaeus (Trojan), sword in the stomach (21.215)
Achilles (Greek) kills Thersilochus (Trojan) (21.249)
Achilles (Greek) kills Mydon (Trojan) (21.249)
Achilles (Greek) kills Astypylus (Trojan) (21.250)
Achilles (Greek) kills Mnesus (Trojan) (21.250)
Achilles (Greek) kills Thrasius (Trojan) (21.250)
Achilles (Greek) kills Aenius (Trojan) (21.250)
Achilles (Greek) kills Ophelestes (Trojan) (21.251)
Achilles (Greek) kills Hector (Trojan), spear through the throat (22.410)

Age 16, 1988

Age 16, 1988

For me my mental illness came crashing into my life in full force when I was sixteen.

That was the year I first started hearing voices,

started to believe people could read my mind and insert thoughts into my head,

was the first time I was truly suicidal,

was the year I started to self harm,

dragging a razor blade across my left arm and watching my blood flow,

the first time I was dissociative,

when the world became vague, dreamlike, less real,

as I observed events as if from outside my body like a movie in slow motion,

the year the panic attacks began.

This was also the year I suffered as a survivor of sexual assault,

the most difficult event of my life as a biker held a knife to my throat and raped me,

beating me severely.

From then on I carried a knife in case I am in a similar situation,

not so I could defend myself, but so I could slit my wrists.

To this day the sound of a Harley Davidson makes me physically cringe.

That was when the night terrors began reliving my trauma every time I closed my eyes.

That was the year the negative coping mechanisms developed: cutting, isolating, alcohol, drugs.

That was when the abyss of depression swallowed me up whole,

and I wanted to die or crawl in a hole forever,

because I was worthless, pathetic, weak, and most importantly,

I was to blame for being raped,

I should have been able to stop it as a sixteen year old boy.

This is not how it should be at sixteen.

Shards of My Soul

You left the broken shards of my soul,

Scattered in the dirt, in the filth,

I did not ask for the gift you bestowed upon me,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The revulsion your memory conjures up,

Consumes me with a need to wretch,

The callousness of your existence,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The trickle of my blood down the length of the blade,

The knife you hold to my quaking throat,

The heat of your body behind me,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I gasp staring up at you my mouth slightly agape,

I know what you desire, what you require of me,

A shiver, I slowly nod closing my eyes,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I bite my lower lip my body jerking in revulsion,

Your cruel commands echo in my mind,

I indolently open my mouth and swallow,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet molester.

“Ugh,” I groan through a kick in my ribs,

Painfully I crawl back to my hands and knees,

My head jerked back by my hair so I smell your breath,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I know what you need as you kick my knees apart,

I won’t succumb that easily,

What you will not have offered, you shall take by force,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I bite my tongue, my mouth filling with blood,

The ravishing of my body has begun in earnest,

The blood trickles down my chin as tears swell,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The burning inside me makes my stomach churn,

My eyes clenched shut in revulsion,

The flames inside me grow as they burn,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

Your grunts sound rapidly in earnest,

What you have needed these long hours is almost here,

Your sharp slaps of my ribcage loudly echo,

“Thank You,” my lover, my sweet…

In Response

Her words seep through my skin

Fermenting in my mind

Bringing forth the juxtaposition

Of culture and reality

As I slowly fade into the story

I melt from my own existence

And become a voice in

A world not my own

As I regain consciousness

I still hold a piece of my experience

From the words that flowed

Through her lips

The crisscrossing melding of two cultures

Fades into my perceptions

Carrying with it thoughts and ideas

A moment of realization

To carry with me

And become a part of what I want to be.

Trauma: The Next Morning, Every Morning

I inhale the stench of an eternal wait,

A breath, a gasp, a momentary lapse,

My eyes burn, my fingers bleed,

Scratching at my lack of patience,

I sigh, a tear trickles down my cheek,

A silent scream in the middle of the night,

Echoes through the darkness of my mind.

I’m consumed by the violation of my body,

The corruption of my soul,

Blood seeps from my eyes where tears once stood,

Involuntarily I wince as my body,

Wracked by the repeated violations,

Struggles to fight against my mind,

The disease of my own conception.

I stare transfixed upon the glistening mirror,

My clothes crumpled about my ankles,

The hollow eyes scrutinize my own,

The purple swelling and welts of my neck,

Coerce my eyes lower, down my bruised and battered torso,

My fingers trace over the blackish-purple festering welt,

Running down my throbbing ribcage.

My eyes linger over my aching waist,

Pleading me to stop, that I look away,

The stinging of my thighs makes me shudder,

Deep bruises traverse the muscles,

A yellowish fluid courses beneath my battered wounds,

Begging for release from my body,

Which holds it captive to my mind’s secrets.

I am engrossed as my body slowly turns in the mirror,

The lesions crisscross my stinging inner thighs,

My ass throbs as if a cruel joke,

Blood trickles down my thighs,

Reminding me of my past transgressions,

Conjuring visions of all that has been done,

My memories fashioned out of my past, my life.

The world around me swirls and contorts,

Reality drips down through my consciousness,

A gasp, a nightmare, a corruption of my mind.

Flashbacks

My heart races, my palms sweat,

A sigh, a gasp, a moment stollen in silence,

Memories of a dark night long past.


My body quakes, my heart breaks,

Ripping me from my tranquil slumber,

I scratch at the fragments of my reality.


My ashen face soaked in tears,

Your arms pull me into a warm embrace,

Your caresses begin to calm my torment.


“Sweetie I’m here,” you whisper,

Your hand runs through my soaked hair,

The softness of your lips upon my cheek.


The tears are flowing easily now,

Your strokes attempt to calm, to comfort me,

The visions of that night endlessly haunt me.


“You’re safe here with me,” you whisper,

I look up gazing into your caring eyes,

A forced smile crosses my face.


Visions of my eternal nightmare plague me,

Sweetly you wipe the tears from my eyes,

Your lips gently press into my own.


Inhaling your breath awakens my senses,

My arms reach up, slipping around you,

Harder your kiss penetrates my nightmare.


A hand caresses my cheek as your lips part,

A taste of you upon my lips,

I know I am safe with you, my dear love.


Safe at last from the eternal nightmare,

Sheltered within your arms,

Our souls entwined in the intimacy of a kiss.


You my love, you have made all the difference,

A world of sorrow, of self imposed isolation,

Broken down, shared with you my true love.

The Sins of my Past Conceived and Made Flesh

The Sins of my Past Conceived and Made Flesh

I wince reliving the same nightmare dreamscape,

Night sweats, daydreaming, wake up – I cry panting for breath,

My jaws are locked open in a silent scream,

A call for help which is destined never to be answered,

Tears of consciousness cascade down my face,

A procession of nightmares flood my tightly clenched eyes,

Haunts me – over and over, I relive the visions,

They are who I was, who I am, who I will become.

My Voices, My Dear

When you are gone

I shudder in the corner of my existence

They point at me

I stand strong to the accusations

Then they laugh

I wilt into the corner

Through the walls and through the floors

Alone

Alone without them

Without you.

Crisscrossing

The crisscrossing clash of tiny dishes fall about my feet

As an echo bounces off the walls of my own sweating intolerance

My palms have become cold

While the heat of my frustrations boils to the surface

I repress the tears rolling down my face

Pulling them back inside me if I only had the patience

The slam of the door silences your exit

And I slouch into the floorboards alone

Alone at last.

A Few Lines

A Few Lines

A sigh, a breath, trying to sleep,

I stare into the darkness of my room, of my mind.

Thoughts and images penetrate my consciousness,

Moments, images, memories of the night I just lived.

Our conversation a few hours old,

Courses through my mind. My skin burns.

As my heart races buried within my chest.

What is this sensation m this feeling?

Which consumes me.

Conjuring thoughts, conjuring memories,

Things I hold dear, things I despise.

I open my eyes unable to sleep,

Things will make sense in the morning.

My mind has become flooded,

A scent, a whisper, a touch.

Drowning in moments from the past, the present,

The possibilities that lie before me.

Our conversation resurfaces, you and I,

As I futilely try to sleep.

Enough, I cry out,

My eyes clenched shut.

The tender touch of your fingers touching my cheek,

Supersedes the eternal darkness, the immortal nightmare of my past,

A sigh in the darkness of my room,

I am back: My eyes close, peace at last.