A Second Chance Whether Deserved or Not
Jerked awake in the stillness of the dark of the night,
I’m soaked in sweat, my clothes clinging to me like a wet sack,
Closing my eyes I attempt to stop my hands from shaking,
Tears slowly drip down my cheeks taunting my grasp on reality,
I choke to breathe feeling the knife once again back at my throat,
All I had to do was lean forward and this torment would have been over,
I can hear his fucking voice in my head, mocking me nightly.
I grab your picture on my nightstand, gazing into your eyes,
Dare I tell you of my feelings of inadequacy, is it what you want to hear,
How can I not after all you’ve shared with me,
Surely I’ll be better tomorrow; I know it is a lie,
My trembling fingers caress your cheek down to the line of your chin,
A tear drops onto the glass blurring your lovely face,
I close my eyes hoping to still see you there.
Alcohol used to always make it easier to get through the night,
Just a drink and I can push these thoughts out of my head,
My body lurches forward at an all too familiar thought,
My stomach gurgles in agreement that a drink is not acceptable,
I glance at my picture of my niece and then to you my love,
Am I so weak that I think a drink or a drug would help,
Years of self-medication die hard, but die they must.
My fingers trace over the scar across my belly,
Someone died so that I might have this second chance,
I cannot and will not make the same mistakes this time,
I won’t throw away a second chance at happiness, at love,
Love the word ferments in my mind as I gaze upon your loveliness,
I feel like I’m disappointing you even considering a drink for an instant,
Do I tell you how weak I am, how scared I am without you.
I’d welcome back the physical illness to get rid of the mental,
I am always so filled with doubt, did I deserve this chance,
I’ve done so many truly horrific things in this life,
Is it possible to be forgiven, can I forgive myself,
People tell me I am so strong, why can’t I believe that,
Did I only fight to prove those wrong that said no,
There has to be a reason I was given the chance to survive.
I’d like to drop to my knees and beg your forgiveness,
I’d like to go back in time and change that decision, make it right,
One desire is impossible, the other simply unfair,
The thought of my disrespect, conjures up my feeling of inadequacy,
Maybe I never deserved you in my life as I half fear and believe,
Would you be better off without me – I hope not,
With every fiber of my being I dream of the day you believe in me again.