Category: Mental Health

Do I Dare Ask

Delusions, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Visual Hallucinations

Do I Dare Ask

Do I dare ask what we already know,

There shall indeed me time to answer,

Do I presuppose in the depths of a binge,

To burn through our ignorance into truth.

We stand by a forest in the cold of night,

We question what is to befall us,

Searching past the promises we must keep,

Only contemplating our forest of the night.

You have forged this cross along your journey,

You are preparing your self-crucifixion,

Tears trace over you,

Where blood desires to follow.

Two paths diverged in your souls journey,

One leaving you upon the cross to wither and blow away,

The second burns past this existence,

We slip into the void between them.

Crawling across the wasteland of dark sky,

A new birth opens before my eyes,

One not filled with the continuance of life,

One filled with peril of your immediate break from existence.

The question has come to a close,

The funeral procession wanders to the grave,

The coffin left open only for you,

We all stare deep at your face in the grave.

The Four Types of Schizophrenia

Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia

People with schizophrenia may hear voices or noises; become very paranoid; believe they have unusual powers; think others control their thoughts, or vice-versa; or believe world events are connected to them

It can be a long road to diagnosis however. Patients — and families — are often in denial. After all, it’s a tough diagnosis to accept.

“We don’t label it schizophrenia right away; the diagnosis can follow a person throughout life once it’s in their chart,” says Dr. Minnie Bowers of the Cleveland Clinic.

Schizophrenia looks different from one person to the next. Here are the four main categories patients fall:

Paranoid schizophrenia: The person’s paranoia may be extreme, and they may act on it. “They may show up at the door of the FBI and ask, ‘Why are you following me?’” says Dr. Bowers. They may also behave oddly, have inappropriate emotional responses and show little pleasure in life.

Catatonic schizophrenia: The person shuts down emotionally, mentally and physically. “People appear to be paralyzed. They have no facial expression and may stand still for long periods of time,” she says. There is no drive to eat, drink or urinate. When catatonia lasts for hours, it becomes a medical emergency.

Undifferentiated schizophrenia: The person has various vague symptoms. “They may not talk or express themselves much. They can be confused and paranoid,” says Dr. Bowers. The person may not bother to change clothes or take a shower.

Schizoaffective disorder: The person has delusional thinking and other symptoms of schizophrenia. “But they also present with one or more symptoms of a mood disorder: depression, mania and/or hypomania,” says Dr. Bowers.

Source: The Cleveland Clinic

Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety, Diagnosis Symptoms, Mental Health

Experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks).

Symptoms

Common anxiety signs and symptoms include:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

• Sweating

• Trembling

• Feeling weak or tired

• Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry

• Having trouble sleeping

• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems

• Having difficulty controlling worry

• Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety

Several types of anxiety disorders exist:

• Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.

• Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition includes symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are directly caused by a physical health problem.

• Generalized anxiety disorder includes persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about activities or events — even ordinary, routine issues. The worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstance, is difficult to control and affects how you feel physically. It often occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.

• Panic disorder involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, chest pain, or a rapid, fluttering or pounding heart (heart palpitations). These panic attacks may lead to worrying about them happening again or avoiding situations in which they’ve occurred.

• Selective mutism is a consistent failure of children to speak in certain situations, such as school, even when they can speak in other situations, such as at home with close family members. This can interfere with school, work and social functioning.

• Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety that’s excessive for the child’s developmental level and related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.

• Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.

• Specific phobias are characterized by major anxiety when you’re exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.

• Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are a direct result of misusing drugs, taking medications, being exposed to a toxic substance or withdrawal from drugs.

• Other specified anxiety disorder and unspecified anxiety disorder are terms for anxiety or phobias that don’t meet the exact criteria for any other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

Shards of My Soul

Flashbacks, Nightmares / Night Terrors, Poetry, Sexual Assault, Trauma

You left the broken shards of my soul,

Scattered in the dirt, in the filth,

I did not ask for the gift you bestowed upon me,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The revulsion your memory conjures up,

Consumes me with a need to wretch,

The callousness of your existence,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The trickle of my blood down the length of the blade,

The knife you hold to my quaking throat,

The heat of your body behind me,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I gasp staring up at you my mouth slightly agape,

I know what you desire, what you require of me,

A shiver, I slowly nod closing my eyes,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I bite my lower lip my body jerking in revulsion,

Your cruel commands echo in my mind,

I indolently open my mouth and swallow,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet molester.

“Ugh,” I groan through a kick in my ribs,

Painfully I crawl back to my hands and knees,

My head jerked back by my hair so I smell your breath,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I know what you need as you kick my knees apart,

I won’t succumb that easily,

What you will not have offered, you shall take by force,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

I bite my tongue, my mouth filling with blood,

The ravishing of my body has begun in earnest,

The blood trickles down my chin as tears swell,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

The burning inside me makes my stomach churn,

My eyes clenched shut in revulsion,

The flames inside me grow as they burn,

“Fuck You,” my lover, my sweet rapist.

Your grunts sound rapidly in earnest,

What you have needed these long hours is almost here,

Your sharp slaps of my ribcage loudly echo,

“Thank You,” my lover, my sweet…

In Response

Mental Health, Poetry, Schizoaffective Disorder

Her words seep through my skin

Fermenting in my mind

Bringing forth the juxtaposition

Of culture and reality

As I slowly fade into the story

I melt from my own existence

And become a voice in

A world not my own

As I regain consciousness

I still hold a piece of my experience

From the words that flowed

Through her lips

The crisscrossing melding of two cultures

Fades into my perceptions

Carrying with it thoughts and ideas

A moment of realization

To carry with me

And become a part of what I want to be.

Trauma: The Next Morning, Every Morning

Delusions, Depression, My Schiz Life, Nightmares / Night Terrors, Poetry, Trauma

I inhale the stench of an eternal wait,

A breath, a gasp, a momentary lapse,

My eyes burn, my fingers bleed,

Scratching at my lack of patience,

I sigh, a tear trickles down my cheek,

A silent scream in the middle of the night,

Echoes through the darkness of my mind.

I’m consumed by the violation of my body,

The corruption of my soul,

Blood seeps from my eyes where tears once stood,

Involuntarily I wince as my body,

Wracked by the repeated violations,

Struggles to fight against my mind,

The disease of my own conception.

I stare transfixed upon the glistening mirror,

My clothes crumpled about my ankles,

The hollow eyes scrutinize my own,

The purple swelling and welts of my neck,

Coerce my eyes lower, down my bruised and battered torso,

My fingers trace over the blackish-purple festering welt,

Running down my throbbing ribcage.

My eyes linger over my aching waist,

Pleading me to stop, that I look away,

The stinging of my thighs makes me shudder,

Deep bruises traverse the muscles,

A yellowish fluid courses beneath my battered wounds,

Begging for release from my body,

Which holds it captive to my mind’s secrets.

I am engrossed as my body slowly turns in the mirror,

The lesions crisscross my stinging inner thighs,

My ass throbs as if a cruel joke,

Blood trickles down my thighs,

Reminding me of my past transgressions,

Conjuring visions of all that has been done,

My memories fashioned out of my past, my life.

The world around me swirls and contorts,

Reality drips down through my consciousness,

A gasp, a nightmare, a corruption of my mind.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Symptoms

Diagnosis Symptoms, Mental Health, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions). These obsessions and compulsions interfere with daily activities and cause significant distress.

You may try to ignore or stop your obsessions, but that only increases your distress and anxiety. Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts to try to ease your stress. Despite efforts to ignore or get rid of bothersome thoughts or urges, they keep coming back. This leads to more ritualistic behavior — the vicious cycle of OCD.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder often centers around certain themes — for example, an excessive fear of getting contaminated by germs. To ease your contamination fears, you may compulsively wash your hands until they’re sore and chapped.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder you may be ashamed and embarrassed about the condition, but treatment can be effective.

Symptoms

Obsessive-compulsive disorder usually includes both obsessions and compulsions. But it’s also possible to have only obsession symptoms or only compulsion symptoms. You may or may not realize that your obsessions and compulsions are excessive or unreasonable, but they take up a great deal of time and interfere with your daily routine and social, school or work functioning.

Obsession symptoms

obsessions are repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety. You might try to ignore them or get rid of them by performing a compulsive behavior or ritual. These obsessions typically intrude when you’re trying to think of or do other things.

Obsessions often have themes to them, such as:

• Fear of contamination or dirt

• Doubting and having difficulty tolerating uncertainty

• Needing things orderly and symmetrical

• Aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control and harming yourself or others

• Unwanted thoughts, including aggression, or sexual or religious subjects

Examples of obsession signs and symptoms include:

• Fear of being contaminated by touching objects others have touched

• Doubts that you’ve locked the door or turned off the stove

• Intense stress when objects aren’t orderly or facing a certain way

• Images of driving your car into a crowd of people

• Thoughts about shouting obscenities or acting inappropriately in public

• Unpleasant sexual images

• Avoidance of situations that can trigger obsessions, such as shaking hands

Compulsion symptoms

compulsions are repetitive behaviors that you feel driven to perform. These repetitive behaviors or mental acts are meant to reduce anxiety related to your obsessions or prevent something bad from happening. However, engaging in the compulsions brings no pleasure and may offer only a temporary relief from anxiety.

You may make up rules or rituals to follow that help control your anxiety when you’re having obsessive thoughts. These compulsions are excessive and often are not realistically related to the problem they’re intended to fix.

As with obsessions, compulsions typically have themes, such as:

• Washing and cleaning

• Checking

• Counting

• Orderliness

• Following a strict routine

• Demanding reassurance

Examples of compulsion signs and symptoms include:

• Hand-washing until your skin becomes raw

• Checking doors repeatedly to make sure they’re locked

• Checking the stove repeatedly to make sure it’s off

• Counting in certain patterns

• Silently repeating a prayer, word or phrase

• Arranging your canned goods to face the same way

Flashbacks

Flashbacks, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Nightmares / Night Terrors, Poetry, PTSD, Trauma

My heart races, my palms sweat,

A sigh, a gasp, a moment stollen in silence,

Memories of a dark night long past.

My body quakes, my heart breaks,

Ripping me from my tranquil slumber,

I scratch at the fragments of my reality.

My ashen face soaked in tears,

Your arms pull me into a warm embrace,

Your caresses begin to calm my torment.

“Sweetie I’m here,” you whisper,

Your hand runs through my soaked hair,

The softness of your lips upon my cheek.

The tears are flowing easily now,

Your strokes attempt to calm, to comfort me,

The visions of that night endlessly haunt me.

“You’re safe here with me,” you whisper,

I look up gazing into your caring eyes,

A forced smile crosses my face.

Visions of my eternal nightmare plague me,

Sweetly you wipe the tears from my eyes,

Your lips gently press into my own.

Inhaling your breath awakens my senses,

My arms reach up, slipping around you,

Harder your kiss penetrates my nightmare.

A hand caresses my cheek as your lips part,

A taste of you upon my lips,

I know I am safe with you, my dear love.

Safe at last from the eternal nightmare,

Sheltered within your arms,

Our souls entwined in the intimacy of a kiss.

You my love, you have made all the difference,

A world of sorrow, of self imposed isolation,

Broken down, shared with you my true love.