Category: My Schiz Life

Sacré-Cœur Basilica

Essays, France, My Schiz Life, Travel

The Basilica of the Sacred Heart of Paris, commonly known as Sacré-Cœur Basilica and often simply Sacré-Cœur, is a Roman Catholic church and minor basilica, dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, in Paris, France. A popular landmark, the basilica is located at the summit of the butte Montmartre, the highest point in the city. Sacré-Cœur is a double monument, political and cultural, both a national penance for the defeat of France in the 1871 Franco-Prussian War and the socialist Paris Commune of 1871 crowning its most rebellious neighborhood, and an embodiment of conservative moral order, publicly dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, which was an increasingly popular vision of a loving and sympathetic Christ.

Second Chances

Essays, Medical, My Schiz Life, Organ Donation/Transplant

Second chances (nine years past my expiration date):

Life is strange, it throws a lot at you testing your resolve, testing your fortitude, testing your fight, testing your will to live. People are fond of saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I suppose that is true although I don’t find it terribly comforting and I have enough character. End stage liver disease, throat cancer, ptsd, major depression, and schizoaffective disorder are a few of the hurdles placed in my path.

Today marks the anniversary of the September day back in 2011 I’d receive my liver transplant. End stage liver disease was a battle that as much as I mustered a strong front I really didn’t expect to survive. Survive I did though after two years of muscle atrophy, ruptured esophageal varices, Encephalopathy, near constant hospitalizations, procedures, and surgery. Through the process I was witness to the unbelievable strength of my mother, my caregiver. I would meet people along the way that would touch my life in ways I didn’t believe possible.

Today I pause on the eight year anniversary of my transplant to offer up my humble gratitude to my family, my friends, all the doctors, surgeons, and nurses that made my second chance at life possible. Most of all I am grateful for the donor family whose loss of their loved one provided me with the second chance at life. I am incredibly grateful to a person I’ll never meet, never know who or what they were, but through their selflessness provided me with a second chance.

If you’re not already registered to be an organ donor please register now. You can save lives…

#SecondChance #LiverTransplant #EightYears #Gratitude

Organ Donation: Time For An Opt Out System

Essays, Medical, My Schiz Life, Organ Donation/Transplant

On July 23rd, 2009 I was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and alcoholic cirrhosis. My journey would take me through being hospitalized every twenty-one days due to complications up until the day of my liver transplant September 16th, 2011. In that time I would relocate to Jacksonville, Florida to become a patient at The Mayo Clinic. I would be actively listed for transplant for just under eleven months. As of this writing there are approximately 120,000 people on the active organ waiting list and countless others needing to be added to that list. Another person is added to the waiting list every ten minutes, with twenty-two people dying each day waiting for an organ. This is in large part due to education of the need for organ donors and a lack of financial funding to have sign up drives.

There is an easy solution that will save the lives of thousands of Americans each year, an opt out system. Currently you have to register with your state if you want to be an organ donor. This is commonly done at the DMV when you are signing up for or renewing your drivers license. In far too many instances this option is not even brought up. This opt in system we currently use is failing this country and the need for more donors becomes more and more dire. I propose congress vote in a opt out system where everyone is automatically an organ donor unless they choose to opt out of the system for whatever reasons they have.

I’m sure you have some concerns and questions to this proposal. Is there a religious exemption? All major religions accept organ donation as a final gesture of compassion and generosity. If you however have a moral or religious objection you can simply opt out of the program. There is no cost to the donor family. There is a fear out there if you’re a donor your care in an emergency will be substandard. Your life always comes first. Only when you suffer irreversible loss of brain function are you considered clinically dead and a organ donation is possible. For those concerned an open casket funeral is still possible after you donate your organs.

If you donate your organs you could save up to eight lives, you could restore sight to two people, and your tissue could heal the lives of fifty people. In different regions of the country the level of illness you must be at are disparate and disproportional. California and the north-east are in dire need of donors. More and more people are flocking to Florida and hospitals such as The Mayo Clinic due to a larger availability of organs due largely to the procurement organizations education of students and adults alike. The time is now for an opt out system and saving countless lives in the process. I ask you to write your congressman and demand an opt out system of organ donation in this country. This is the moral, right, and sane way to save thousands of American lives every year.

Vignette of The Past

Alcoholism, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Negative Coping Strategies, Poetry, Schizoaffective Disorder

Vignette of The Past

I sit at the end of the bar,
A tattered copy of Percy Bysshe Shelley before me,
An ashtray overflowing with Camel Straight cigarette butts,
The fifth double Vodka-Tonic of the night resting upon a stained coaster,
Three shots of Jamison Irish Whiskey in a rocks glass,
I down a swallow of the whiskey, followed by a gulp of Vodka-Tonic,
And finally a slow drag from my cigarette,
Silent pleasures of a life already lived.

Trailhead

Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Poetry, PTSD, Sexual Assault, Trauma

I gasp through the blood-caked lips of the sins of my past,
I wince reliving the same nightmare dreamscape,
The nightmare haunts me – over and over, I relive the visions,
The visions of my past indiscretions, visions I cannot deny –
They are who I was, who I am, who I will become.

A gasp, night sweats, daydreaming,
The knife blade caresses my throat,
The weight on the small of my back makes me wince,
My head jerked back, fingernails dig into my scalp,
My hair Entwined amongst grating fingers.

The foulness of his breath permeates my senses,
Nightmare tears of my consciousness cascade down my face,
His breath bathes my skin…filling every pore,
The breathing becomes short and rapid,
My mind preoccupied with pulsating groans.

My jaws are locked open in a silent scream,
A call for help which is destined never to be answered,
The sweat of my shame permeates my soul,
The tears of my horror drench my face,
The sins of my past conceived and made flesh.

A procession of nightmares flood my tightly clenched eyes,
Acquaintances of my past occupy the room,
I inhale deeply melting into the chair,
The room spins and liquefies,
Visions of my friends melt from my consciousness.

My eyes strain to conjure the acquaintances of my past,
A nightmare gaze fills my senses with the scene,
A close friend, a needle impaling her vein,
I strain as she fades from my sight, my reality,
A slap of the face, tears well in my eyes.

I scream into a silent non-listening void,
Wake up, I cry panting for breath,
My tears soak her cheeks during a final embrace,
Her pulse slowly fades in my arms,
Stop please wait, don’t fade away.

The sins of my past weigh down on my soul,
Each day I fight through the memories,
The reality of my past makes up who I am,
I clench my eyes tightly shut,
A sigh, a breath – moments from my past.

The Summer Rain In Her Hair: A Sestina

Distractions, My Schiz Life, Poetry

The summer rain shines gently in your dark hair,
Droplets rest quietly upon your warm face,
A smile crosses my face, as you touch my hand,
I gaze long at you, becoming lost in your eyes,
I sit listening, while you tell me of your world,
I remain content, gazing at you, my love.

I think of the moment that I realized my love,
As you slowly run your hands through my hair,
I hope to introduce you to my world
I stand, looking straight at you face-to-face,
Brushing the hair away from your eyes,
A smile crosses my face, I wipe the sweat from my hand.

I still feel that same joy walking, when you hold my hand,
Acknowledging the fact you are still in love,
I notice the glimmer not lost from your eyes,
The one when you gave bathed, that remains in your hair,
It complements the tone of color in your face,
Which begs me to penetrate deep into your world.

I want nothing more than has been given in this world,
While I silently caress your sweet hand,
I notice the deep color of your face,
Knowing that I have not misplaced my heart’s love,
Learning each inch of your face and each hair,
But always returning to the life in your eyes.

The doorway to your heart rests open in those eyes,
I am an explorer of a whole new world,
Deeply in love with your stark dark hair,
As you return your grip on my hand,
I search my thoughts for my ideal love,
The image presented in my mind is your face.

The gloom filled night fades to reveal your dream-face,
Placing my heart deep in those eyes,
Smiling at you, my one and only true love,
Ending a day in the life of my world,
Wrapping my arms around you, holding your hand,
Placing my head at the edge of your hair.

I embrace those eyes, that are you my love,
Our thoughts converge, I run my hand through your hair,
A smile crosses my face, you are a part of my world.

Stop Blaming Mental Illness For Mass Shootings

Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Politics, Stigma, Violence

STOP BLAMING MENTAL ILLNESS FOR MASS SHOOTINGS:

“If you were to suddenly cure schizophrenia, bipolar, and depression overnight, violent crime in the US would fall by only 4 percent.”
~ Jeffrey Swanson, Duke University professor, a sociologist and psychiatric epidemiologist who studies the relationship between violence and mental illness.

What they found was that mentally ill people who didn’t have substance abuse issues, who weren’t maltreated as children, and who didn’t live in adverse environments have a lower risk of violence than the general population.

(According to a Epidemiologic Catchment Area (ECA) study, sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health the share of overall violence explained by serious mental illness — was between 3 percent and 5.3 percent, for a midpoint estimate of about 4 percent. That’s where the idea that if you wiped out serious mental illness overnight, violence would fall 4 percent comes from.)

Here’s the never ending pattern:

1) Mass Shooting

2) Advocates of gun control point out that taking guns off the streets and limiting who can buy them will save lives.

3) Opponents of gun control argue that there are no regulations that can stop a determined shooter and that what we really need is to address mental health.

Examples:

“This is also a mental illness problem. These are people that are very, very seriously mentally ill.”
~ President Trump said, following the script, after shootings in Dayton and El Paso.

“Mental health is a large contributor to any type of violence or shooting violence.”
~ Texas Gov. Greg Abbott

The convenient cries of “mental health” after mass shootings are worse than hypocritical. They’re factually wrong and stigmatizing to millions of completely nonviolent Americans living with severe mental illness.

The share of America’s violence problem (excluding suicide) that is explainable by diseases like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is tiny. Being male or having a substance abuse issue are both bigger risk factors.

At the very least if you’re going to scapegoat mental illness then increase its funding dramatically which the government is unwilling to do, as a matter of fact they do the opposite.

Hate and anger aren’t a mental illness!

Stop stigmatizing innocent nonviolent people.

Schizoaffective Disorder, DBT, and Mindfulness

Coping Strategies, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Schizoaffective Disorder, Therapies

The day I sat there in my psychiatrist’s office the words that I had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder was both one of the scariest and best days of my life. Hearing schizo anything is frightening, it is one of those mental illnesses you are brought up to fear by our society. Schizophrenia is bad enough, but knowing I had those symptoms (hallucinations and delusions) as well as a mood disorder (major depression) seemed like the end of my life yet a relief at the same time. I finally had an answer to what those voices were that had plagued my head and living nightmare for years. Thus I began on my long journey to discovering the right cocktail of medications, the most effective form of therapy, and the support structure I needed. It was a long struggle which ended up leading me to a cocktail of three medications, additionally a combination of meditation, mindfulness, and DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) before I found true beginnings of progress. Before this occurred I would spend two six weeks sessions of partial hospitalization an all day outpatient therapy at a local mental hospital in a little over a year.

On a trip to Boston I was spending the afternoon at Harvard Square waiting to meet up with a friend. I was eating, having coffee, and visiting various bookstores all while admiring Harvard. A man mistaking me for a friend wrapped his arms around me from behind. I lost it. I don’t know any easier way to put it. The next thing I would know I was in a crowded Starbucks, a latte in front of me, and a gap of over an hour missing from my life. A blackout. To this day I have no idea how I got there, what I did for that hour, what had transpired. Piecing that hour back together is not what would truly frighten me though, that was my racing mind jumping from one delusion to the next each one a little more fantastic. In a matter of moments I went from being convinced that my friend had been in accident, then murdered, then all the patrons of the coffeehouse could read my mind, to implanting their thoughts and desires in my head. I had a conversation with someone who wasn’t there. A new kind of therapy was needed. I couldn’t go on living this way. That’s when I told my therapist I wanted to up my meds and try DBT.

First question first, what is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is no longer just for practitioners of Zen and Buddhism but has moved into the mainstream Mental Health counseling. It has become one of the primary techniques employed among many therapists and coupled with meditation has shown tremendous amounts of improvements in otherwise non-responsive patients. As science furthers more and more we are seeing them recognize the benefits of Zen in daily practice. As NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) describes it, “While the combination of therapy and medication is crucial to recovery, the addition of self-awareness tools and skills can also be beneficial. Whether you are just beginning your recovery or are further along on your journey, the holistic practices can be an excellent complement to therapy and medication.”

While many treatment programs employ the use of mindfulness, I will focus on DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) in my analysis. So what is DBT? “Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is a comprehensive cognitive-behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT has been found especially effective for those with suicidal and other multiply occurring severely dysfunctional behaviors. Research has shown DBT to be effective in reducing suicidal behavior, psychiatric hospitalization, treatment dropout, substance abuse, anger, and interpersonal difficulties,” (behavioraltech.org). So what exactly does all that mean? It is a non-judgmental way of the patient accepting that they have a problem with how they think, and rather than judge it, they can make changes to make their thinking more balanced using mindfulness as one of the primary techniques.

What is mindfulness within this context? The best and simplest definition I have come across is, “doing one thing at a time, in the present moment, with your full attention, and with acceptance,” (DBT Made Simple). This can be further broken down into two parts for the patient. First, awareness and focusing on the present moment. The second part is acceptance, and this is the part that seems to be overlooked. This requires not judging what you are doing mindfully. A large percentage of patients respond well to this primarily, in my opinion, because they are taking control of their mind. Most patients, as is the case with most people in general spend far too much time in the past reliving negative things and mindfulness is a way to put a stop sign up to this harmful cycle.

How is mindfulness employed? There are a multitude of ways this is employed in your everyday life, but I will briefly cover seven of them:

1. Counting breaths. Count your breaths up to ten. One on the inhale and two on the exhale and so on. When you find your mind has wandered, simply return to counting your breath without judgment.
2. Observing sounds. Sitting silently focus your mind on any sounds which you hear: the sound of your breath, the traffic outside, the air-conditioner, etc. When you catch your mind wandering, take note of it without judgment and return to observing sounds.
3. Observing an object. Pick an object, any object. Examine the object with all of your five senses. Touch it. Smell it. Take note of any sound it makes when you move it. When you mind wanders, simply bring your attention back to the object.
4. Observing your thoughts in a cloud. Also could be called labeling your thoughts. You imagine yourself lying in a field of grass looking up at the sky. In each cloud is a thought and as it floats by you label what kind of thought it is without judging yourself for having that thought. For instance if you think this is a stupid exercise, that would be an anger thought. If you think how will I pay my house payment next month, that would be a worry thought.
5. Focusing on a thought. Pick a meaningful thought or short sentence and focus on the thought as you breathe. For instance if you think wise as you breathe in and think mind as you breathe out. When your mind wanders return to your thought without judging yourself.
6. Being the gatekeeper to your mind. This is more simply observing your thoughts. As a gatekeeper would watch people coming through a gate, you will simply experience and observe each thought as it passes over you without judging it. Experience thoughts and emotions as they come to you, do not try to block them. When your mind wanders or you feel yourself trying to stop thoughts simply return to the practice of observing them without judging the thoughts or yourself.
7. Being in your body. Quietly sitting, focus on the different sensations you experience in your body. For example, the feel of your bottom on the chair or your arms against the armrests. Take notice of any emotions you might be feeling, such as worry over a presentation you have at work next week. When your mind wanders simply return your thoughts to your body without judgment.

I went through a litany of excuses each week with my therapist as to why I wasn’t applying what we went over in our sessions. Throughout this period my symptoms were getting worse, I was in partial hospitalization programs due to my poor coping techniques including among other things self harm – slamming my head against the wall and routinely cutting myself with a razor blade, suicidal thoughts, ideation, and plans. Eventually though due to my therapist’s dedication and persistence things began to slowly improve. It’s now been over two years since I employed any of those negative coping methods and I owe a great deal of that to finding a therapist I trust, have a connection with and was dedicated enough to believe in me. The practice of mindfulness takes patience and dedication and the litany of excuses not to practice are endless, but I will attempt to debunk a few of the more common ones.

“It makes me more anxious”

Some people, especially people with anxiety issues, find practicing mindfulness increases their anxiety. This is an understandable reaction, but not enough to give up on the practice. It is often found that the exercises focusing on breathing cause the most anxiety. Simply focus on the non-breathing focused exercises to begin and once you become comfortable with mindfulness practice come back to the breathing exercises.

“I just can’t do it”

What exactly does the person mean by this? Is it just too hard? Are they having difficulties concentrating? Do they believe to be successful thoughts and feeling never intrude? Many people say they can’t do it when they just mean it is really hard. Truth is practicing mindfulness is a hard skill and the only way to get better is to keep pursuing it.

“I don’t have time”

This is one of the simplest problems to fix. You can practice mindfulness anytime, doing anything. If what you mean is you don’t have time for formal practice, let me remind you some of the exercises only take a few to ten minutes. It is better to spend 10 minutes fully dedicated than an hour half-heartedly. Try setting aside 10 minutes in the morning to practice mindfulness.

“I can’t stay focused”

Mindfulness is simply about staying in the present moment with acceptance. Please throw any other expectations out the window. The object of practicing mindfulness for many is to feel better. It is with this in mind that we reach a paradox. To feel better you must practice mindfulness, but if you focus on feeling better you have trouble staying focused on mindfulness. So throw away the goal while practicing mindfulness and you will achieve that goal.

“I fall asleep”

Some people find they drift off when they practice mindfulness. If the person has trouble sleeping this can be a good thing, simply practice mindfulness of part of your preparing for bed routine. There are several factors to consider if this is a common issue:

~ Do you need more sleep? If you are sleep deprived your body will want to take advantage of this quiet time.
~ Is there a better time of day to practice? If at the end of the day you are always exhausted, simply begin practicing in the morning.
~ Did you eat a big meal shortly before practicing? Watch out for a food coma!
Is there a different position you can try? If you practice mindfulness lying down, simply try it is a sitting position.
~ Are you closing your eyes? Keep your eyes open while practicing.

“You have to plan for the future”

Some people believe that practicing mindfulness means you never consider the past or the future. This simply is not the case, but you may be able to do those things mindfully whereas you do not currently. Often planning for the future isn’t planning at all, but instead it is worrying. Mindfulness actually helps you in planning for the future by keeping you grounded in reality of the present moment.

It’s been a long journey for me over just a few years since I came to the conclusion that self-care was my full time job. I no longer look to find blame for this condition, but accept this is my reality. I now meditate for a minimum of two hours a day, and if I miss a session I notice it the next day. I came to the acceptance that I need a maximum dose of an antidepressant, a high dose of an antipsychotic, and anxiety medication. I periodically meet with my therapist, but not nearly as often as I used to. She saved my life and I am grateful. I keep a gratitude journal and pull it out when depression is rearing its head. I attend support groups as much as I feel I need them to keep grounded and help others who are where I was a few years ago. I now have a core group of friends who understand my condition and I lean on them when I need to. Am I cured? Absolutely not, but I am no longer ignoring my condition or looking for the answer in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. Daily I remind myself how far I’ve come and damn it I’m proud of the hard work I’ve put in. The other day the friend I’ve leaned on the hardest, the one that was there through my partial hospitalizations, he’s seen me at my worst and he sent me a short note, “You knew what, the guy you are today is way different than the guy we all met. Congratulations, you overcame so much. I’m so glad you’re enjoying life.” He’s absolutely right for I am enjoying life. Finally after all those years I’m living, as opposed to merely existing.