Category: Mental Health

A Day In My Life: My Most Common Delusions

Delusions, Essays, My Schiz Life, Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder

A Day In My Life: My Most Common Delusions

Having delusions is one of the most feared and fear mongered symptoms of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder. Some people believe God is speaking to them directly or through a TV or through the radio. Some people believe they have supernatural powers or is a chosen one to lead a religious or secular special mission. There is an incredible variety in the delusions which may afflict people. When properly medicated many people have these delusions completely disappear and then there are some that don’t.

I am one of those that always has my delusions in varying degree no matter what medication cocktail I have tried. Thankfully when medicated I know they are delusions and not part of reality, although everything around me, my feelings, my thoughts tell me they are true. Sometimes it’s a vicious fight between the part of me grounded in reality and the part that isn’t. The level of stress and anxiety I am going through largely determines which part of me will win the fight.

Thankfully I rarely have delusions like those I previously referenced. My delusions can be summed up as thought broadcasting and thought insertion which drives my paranoia. Thought broadcasting is when I believe that other people can hear or read my thoughts. Whereas thought insertion is when I have thoughts that feel foreign to me and seem as if they have been inserted by an outside person. I rarely have both at the same time, but when I do it is crippling. Having either of these delusions can lead me to isolating from society, my support structure, my friends and family, and even the people I believe are controlling or spying on my thoughts. It’s not often, but the more I am unable to separate reality from what I’m feeling the more paranoid I become.

As much as my medication cocktail helps me survive everyday life and be a functioning member of society it never fully eradicates either my delusions or auditory hallucinations. I find myself reality testing when I’m dealing with thought broadcasting by thinking nod your head if you can read my thoughts. Of course nobody ever does which only feeds my paranoia that they don’t want me to know. When my meds aren’t working I’ve narrowly escaped going inpatient in a mental hospital on multiple occasions. I have had several partial hospitalizations though where I spend my days at the hospital, but am allowed to sleep at home.

The Sins of my Past Conceived and Made Flesh

Mental Health, Poetry, PTSD, Sexual Assault, Trauma

The Sins of my Past Conceived and Made Flesh

I wince reliving the same nightmare dreamscape,

Night sweats, daydreaming, wake up – I cry panting for breath,

My jaws are locked open in a silent scream,

A call for help which is destined never to be answered,

Tears of consciousness cascade down my face,

A procession of nightmares flood my tightly clenched eyes,

Haunts me – over and over, I relive the visions,

They are who I was, who I am, who I will become.

My Voices, My Dear

Auditory Hallucinations, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Poetry, Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder

When you are gone

I shudder in the corner of my existence

They point at me

I stand strong to the accusations

Then they laugh

I wilt into the corner

Through the walls and through the floors

Alone

Alone without them

Without you.

Crisscrossing

The crisscrossing clash of tiny dishes fall about my feet

As an echo bounces off the walls of my own sweating intolerance

My palms have become cold

While the heat of my frustrations boils to the surface

I repress the tears rolling down my face

Pulling them back inside me if I only had the patience

The slam of the door silences your exit

And I slouch into the floorboards alone

Alone at last.

Depression (Major Depressive Disorder): Symptoms

Depression, Diagnosis Symptoms, Mental Health

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness and you can’t simply “snap out” of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don’t get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.

Symptoms:

Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports

• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain

• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness

• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Depression symptoms in children and teens:

Common signs and symptoms of depression in children and teenagers are similar to those of adults, but there can be some differences.

• In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, clinginess, worry, aches and pains, refusing to go to school, or being underweight.

• In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using recreational drugs or alcohol, eating or sleeping too much, self-harm, loss of interest in normal activities, and avoidance of social interaction.

Depression symptoms in older adults:

Depression is not a normal part of growing older, and it should never be taken lightly. Unfortunately, depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated in older adults, and they may feel reluctant to seek help. Symptoms of depression may be different or less obvious in older adults, such as:

• Memory difficulties or personality changes

• Physical aches or pain

• Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems or loss of interest in sex — not caused by a medical condition or medication

• Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things

• Suicidal thinking or feelings, especially in older men

Source: Mayo Clinic

A Few Lines

Distractions, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Poetry

A Few Lines

A sigh, a breath, trying to sleep,

I stare into the darkness of my room, of my mind.

Thoughts and images penetrate my consciousness,

Moments, images, memories of the night I just lived.

Our conversation a few hours old,

Courses through my mind. My skin burns.

As my heart races buried within my chest.

What is this sensation m this feeling?

Which consumes me.

Conjuring thoughts, conjuring memories,

Things I hold dear, things I despise.

I open my eyes unable to sleep,

Things will make sense in the morning.

My mind has become flooded,

A scent, a whisper, a touch.

Drowning in moments from the past, the present,

The possibilities that lie before me.

Our conversation resurfaces, you and I,

As I futilely try to sleep.

Enough, I cry out,

My eyes clenched shut.

The tender touch of your fingers touching my cheek,

Supersedes the eternal darkness, the immortal nightmare of my past,

A sigh in the darkness of my room,

I am back: My eyes close, peace at last.

Please, Just Let Me Fade Away

Alcoholism, Essays, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Schizoaffective Disorder

July 23rd, 2009

Ugh,” it was a long night even though I came home early and now this knocking on my door. Just ignore it and they’ll go away. Persistent buggers they are. Squinting I open my eyes the room has a faint light through the fog or is it smoke. It’s much too early to get up. I glare at the nearly empty bottle of Jameson, my hands are shaking more than usual I need a shot. This endless cycle of drinking needs to end, but not today. I’ll close my shop for half an hour and drive to East Main Liquor. What happened last night after I got home it’s all still so hazy?

I puked. I remember that. How could I forget one hand braced on the bathtub and the other on the sink as I heaved until my throat was sore. Blood. I threw up blood and lots of it everywhere, the toilet overflowing as I couldn’t stop. Blood and vodka. That’s why I’m so weak this morning, I can hardly lift my arms. I’ve cheated death again I wasn’t supposed to wake. I puked at the bottom of the stairs too. I remember mopping it up, smearing the blood everywhere. Bookshelf, I knocked over a bookshelf. I must have been really drunk or is it the blood loss. Maybe I’ll just close the store for today. I need a break a day off just to sleep.

“Mark open up,” a familiar voice calls from outside my apartment door.

“Dad,” I groan, “must be dad.” I grab the Jameson bottle setting it on the floor in a vain attempt to hide it. My apartment hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. There are empty liquor bottles strewn everywhere, an overflowing ashtray, clothes piled anywhere and everywhere I felt like tossing them, piles of books, and trash everywhere. It was in a word revolting, only an insane alcoholic could live this way. I used to be such a germaphobe how did I let it get to this?

I struggle to sit up and get to the door. The knocking is much louder this time, hurried and concerned. Can knocking be concerned? This one is. Yesterday was my birthday and I hardly even spoke to my parents. It’s way too early for a lecture. I unlatch the door and collapse back on to the bed my legs unable to support my weight. I can feel the wave of unconsciousness coming over me. Must stay awake. I see the disapproval in my father’s eyes, no it’s concern, downright worry. I must look worse then I thought. That’s when I remember the blood. Blood everywhere downstairs. He had to walk through the dried caked on blood covering the floor and splattered up the walls.

“Put on your socks,” he pleads. I’m fading everything is going dark. The fog is creeping in burning my eyes. Unable to see. “Mark we’ve got to get you to the doctor, to the hospital. Put on your socks.” I’m fading further into the darkness. Maybe this is it, what I’ve been waiting for. Not like this, not with an audience. Would he cry? My father never cries, not when someone dies, not when he’s frustrated, never. I grab my socks tugging them on, tightly on my hands and up my arms. Later this will be humorous, but for now his youngest child’s life is in danger. Delay could mean my death.

I’m fading ever closer, closer to the brink. It’s welcoming me to the other side. Screaming, blood curdling anguished screaming. Someone shut that person up! “It’s cold,” the voice cries inside my own head, inside my body. I’m the one screaming my eyes flash open. I’m in the ER now, how did I get here, doctors and nurses huddled around me. A large IV piercing my vein as they dump the blood into my body. I’m near death and they’re saving me. Jerk out the IV and let me fade, fade away from this world. This isn’t how I wanted to go. I thought I’d go silently into the night, not with a struggle, not a fight.

Somewhere in the darkness of my mind Anne Sexton speaks to me, “Death, I need my little addiction to you. I need that tiny voice who, even as I rise from the sea… all there, says kill me, kill me.” I’ve been reading too much of the confessional poets lately: Sexton, Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell. They speak to me, to my depression, to my hallucinations, to the people implanting thoughts in my head I can’t control. Would a therapist have made things different for me, a different outcome. Am I simply too proud to seek help, too stubborn, too foolish, too drunk.

Time passes fast and slow depending upon your mental state. For the next day I’m certain it crawled by for my parents as they awaited an update. For me it flew by as I faded in and out of consciousness a multitude of medical procedures performed. Before I was able to answer the doctor’s questions they performed an endoscopy banding my varices in an attempt to stop the bleeding. I was given seven units of blood, your body holds ten.

Common Types of Delusions

Delusions, Mental Health, My Schiz Life, Psychosis, Schizoaffective Disorder

Common Types of Delusions

Ideas of reference

A person may believe he/she is receiving special messages from the TV, radio, or music. Alternatively, he/she may believe that colors, words, or other things in the environment have special meaning just for he/her.

Paranoia

A person may believe that friends, family, government agencies, or others are trying to bother him/her or harm him/her even when it is not true.

Thought broadcasting

A person may believe that other people can hear or read his/her thoughts.

Thought insertion

A person may have thoughts that feel foreign to him/her and seem as if they have been inserted by an outside force or person.

Grandiose/religious delusions

A person may develop a belief that he/she has a supernatural power, is famous, or that he/she is the messiah or a chosen person with a special mission.

A Second Chance Whether Deserved or Not

Poetry, Post-Transplant Depression, Schizoaffective Disorder, Sexual Assault, Trauma

A Second Chance Whether Deserved or Not

Jerked awake in the stillness of the dark of the night,

I’m soaked in sweat, my clothes clinging to me like a wet sack,

Closing my eyes I attempt to stop my hands from shaking,

Tears slowly drip down my cheeks taunting my grasp on reality,

I choke to breathe feeling the knife once again back at my throat,

All I had to do was lean forward and this torment would have been over,

I can hear his fucking voice in my head, mocking me nightly.

I grab your picture on my nightstand, gazing into your eyes,

Dare I tell you of my feelings of inadequacy, is it what you want to hear,

How can I not after all you’ve shared with me,

Surely I’ll be better tomorrow; I know it is a lie,

My trembling fingers caress your cheek down to the line of your chin,

A tear drops onto the glass blurring your lovely face,

I close my eyes hoping to still see you there.

Alcohol used to always make it easier to get through the night,

Just a drink and I can push these thoughts out of my head,

My body lurches forward at an all too familiar thought,

My stomach gurgles in agreement that a drink is not acceptable,

I glance at my picture of my niece and then to you my love,

Am I so weak that I think a drink or a drug would help,

Years of self-medication die hard, but die they must.

My fingers trace over the scar across my belly,

Someone died so that I might have this second chance,

I cannot and will not make the same mistakes this time,

I won’t throw away a second chance at happiness, at love,

Love the word ferments in my mind as I gaze upon your loveliness,

I feel like I’m disappointing you even considering a drink for an instant,

Do I tell you how weak I am, how scared I am without you.

I’d welcome back the physical illness to get rid of the mental,

I am always so filled with doubt, did I deserve this chance,

I’ve done so many truly horrific things in this life,

Is it possible to be forgiven, can I forgive myself,

People tell me I am so strong, why can’t I believe that,

Did I only fight to prove those wrong that said no,

There has to be a reason I was given the chance to survive.

I’d like to drop to my knees and beg your forgiveness,

I’d like to go back in time and change that decision, make it right,

One desire is impossible, the other simply unfair,

The thought of my disrespect, conjures up my feeling of inadequacy,

Maybe I never deserved you in my life as I half fear and believe,

Would you be better off without me – I hope not,

With every fiber of my being I dream of the day you believe in me again.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms

Borderline Personality Disorder, Diagnosis Symptoms, Mental Health

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships.

Symptoms:

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

Signs and symptoms may include:

• An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel

• Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all

• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship

• Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety

• Ongoing feelings of emptiness

• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights

Complications:

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. It can negatively affect intimate relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image, resulting in:

• Repeated job changes or losses

• Not completing an education

• Multiple legal issues, such as jail time

• Conflict-filled relationships, marital stress or divorce

• Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, and frequent hospitalizations

• Involvement in abusive relationships

• Unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights due to impulsive and risky behavior

• Attempted or completed suicide

In addition, you may have other mental health disorders, such as:

• Depression

• Alcohol or other substance misuse

• Anxiety disorders

• Eating disorders

• Bipolar disorder

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

• Other personality disorders